All can I say is congratulations.
And I need a new governess...
Marguerite!
Finally!
I expected at least a lion.
Well it wasn't that type of hunt, Mrs. mandible.
Meet Sergio.
Oh.
Mr. dauntless!
But you're dead!
Chauncey!
This is gonna suck.
I mean actors are bad enough,
but fucking community theater?
It's like a delusion of a delusion.
Penelope has pictures of her husband
with Mrs. mandible,
so now she can marry Mr. dauntless...
if you were disguised as the maid the whole time,
where is Fatima?
Colonel bey was Fatima in disguise!
I did a show here once.
It was cool, you just gotta get like in the right mindset...
like pretending it's a hundred years ago
and anyone gives a shit about theater?
While we're at it,
why don't we go check out
the epic poetry chant at the agora.
Oh, the couples end up happily matched.
Oh, Fatima and the governess are making out.
Shit.
♪
Hey. Hey.
God, I'm so sorry,
my audition went like really, really long...
it's all right, you didn't miss much.
Oh you did miss a delightful little farce.
Oh good.
'Cause I fucking hate farce.
Really, 'cause given our relationship,
I'd have guessed you loved it...
I'm sorry I made a pass at you...
no, no, no it's...
I really, really am, you were totally right,
I treated you badly last year,
then it's like I get into a hot tub for two seconds
and I lose all of my common sense,
no, no.
Well, yes.
Right.
I blame alcohol.
Fucking alcohol. Alcohol!
Why is it legal?
I dunno! That's my question.
I was thinking about that.
It's like, if only our representatives
would pass a law banning alcohol,
none of this shit would ever happen.
Yeah and there'd be less organized crime...
totally, none of that big band jazz...
right, none of those annoying flapper people
that are everywhere these days.
Gone, yeah!
Okay so since we're doing the schtick again,
does that mean that...
yeah, we're cool.
Okay.
Wait, did you...
did you tell anybody about what happened?
Like am I gonna walk in there
and be shunned as a harlot?
It's our little secret.
It is.
I mean, if you're shunned,
it'll just be for the usual reasons...
yeah because I'm a Jew.
Yeah.
And then the audience wouldn't stop laughing!
Cool, great there you go.
You were simply magnificent...
me, you were magnificent...
as were you.
Also magnificent...
and the others?
Magnificent!
So you were all magnificent,
which means statistically,
magnificent is average, and you're all average.
Here you are, congratulations...
uh, everyone?
Everyone, if I could just uh...
thank you, thank you, grazie, grazie.
As you all know, I am Leland cork,
director of the lyre of orpheus theater,
and I would just like to say
congratulations to the cast and crew
of not on your wife
for a brilliant opening night!
You were all simply magnificent!
Here here!
I'd also like to thank everyone else
for your magnificent support
of the lyre of orpheus theater.
It is only through your generous donations
that we are able to ensure, as always,
that the show must go on.
We all humbly thank you.
And encourage you to write just one more check of course.
No, no, no seriously,
let us fill our glasses, toast our players,
and all get drunk on theater!
Angela, David, brava.
Mona, Mona, house manager, savior...
"magnificent" show, Mr. cork...
yes, the toilet's backed up again,
could you possibly fix?
On the parapet at midnight,
I see the ghost of Kyle bradway...
you thatch-headed wastrel, come here!
How have you been?
Oh, so good.
Yeah you know, just working my way up,
doing my thing, you know?
Splendid, splendid.
We launched this boy from this very stage.
Fresh off the bus, I cast him as "longshorman"
in a view from the bridge.
Casting director sees him,
puts him on television and ever since...
whoosh!
Ah, well...
Gordon barbelar!
Come here, you bald-headed wastrel...
well I think you're better off without Paul, Casey.
Hey, now you're single, I'm single,
it's like, "look out, world.
Two cougars on the prowl..."
yeah except that...
I mean I wouldn't really call myself a "cougar" but...
no, don't run yourself down like that.
You're a sleek, sexy wildcat on the prowl...
no, the... "cougar" is...
it's like a slang term for a woman of a certain age
who goes after younger men,
that's cougar.
It is?
Really? Yeah.
What about "bear"?
That's not slang for anything?
"Bear" is slang for a large, hairy gay man.
Well that explains a lot.
I gonna have to change my online dating profile...
hey, soon as you can, with those, you guys.
Yeah.
Where's Ron?
Ron is indisposed.
Okay, well then, when you get a sec Casey,
can you help me get the white wine backstage?
Aye, aye...
well, if anyone catches your eye tonight,
let me know.
I'm a great wingman...
okay, just no actors.
How about a former actor?
Maybe you should get back with Henry huh?
No. Did you think about it?
No? No!
Love him and leave him?
Been there done that? He has a girlfriend...
does he have a big one? And no.
Does he?
Tell me.
Jesus, Ron!
Yeah. What is that?
A little light bathroom reading.
"Management secrets of the CIA."
There.
Now how come there are so many
dingaling actor-model-producers
in this town,
and so few down to earth achievers
who just want to make something of themselves?
We're a rare breed Lydia.
Excuse me.
I heard what's next.
Glenngary Glen Ross.
"What's your name?"
"Fuck you, that's my name..."
I dunno, I don't speak actor.
I thought all you guys were actors.
No, some of us pursue more useful work.
You're an engineer?
Nope, he's a writer.
Hey I need a single malt, neat...
we're out.
I hid some in the office...
a writer?
Great scot writer, let me buy you a drink...
why?
You make us exist!
In the theater, the writer is god.
God?
Oh, Kyle.
Be a good chap, give us that...
uh yeah.
Um, is everything okay?
It's just you know, Nina, the flirting...
oh my gosh, is your wife having an affair?
No, no, no, no, no, you know actresses,
always require bucket-loads of adoring attention.
Which I can't always provide,
because I'm too busy stroking the other actors,
the crew, the audiences,
just trying to keep this rat trap from falling apart.
I feel like atlas,
supporting the whole world on my shoulders...
you know, it seems like you're doing a pretty good job.
"Seems."
Oh yes, yes, there's the rub dear boy.
The fact is we're broke.
Yes, usually Marguerite tayler writes us a check
for ten grand, but this year, zip.
Dude, I'm so sorry...
Kyle, I am the only realist
among this starry-eyed group of dreamers.
I'll be fine.
It's them I'm worried about.
This theater... It's the only taste they get.
Without that check, they're...
poof, just...
legal assistants and librarians again.
You cannot give up.
What's that saying you came up with?
"The show must go on."
I didn't exactly coin that phrase.
I'll convince Marguerite.
That casting director didn't exactly cast me
because I rocked onstage...
I convinced her.
In the backseat of her range rover.
Kyle, you thatch-headed devil...
all right, Marguerite, what's she look like?
Red blouse, brown hair, big personality,
you can't miss her.
If you can pull this off...
I'm on it.
Yeah it's ridiculous,
she's gone on like ten blind dates
with gay guys who look like Rob reiner...
all enthusiastic to discuss escapade's dance wardrobe.
You're such a fucking homophobe.
Marguerite tayler!
Oh, yeah Casey, right?
Yeah, Casey klein, right!
Hi. Hi.
How are you?
I am uh, really good now.
Keeping out of trouble?
Oh you know, trying to!
Not succeeding, I hope... no, no.
I'm actually even considering not trying at all anymore.
I don't.
I know, I mean I assumed.
It's great seeing you, Casey...
you too.
Hey!
Don't stay out of trouble...
okay.
Yeah so imagine, Lydia and Rob reiner
just talking about tween fashions all night...
I mean what did the hairy gay guy even expect, you know?
Unless cougar means something gay.
What the hell was that?
What? What?
I've never seen someone flirt so outrageously.
I thought you were going to date rape her.
What, no.
That's Marguerite tayler.
I went to this bar and then it turned out to be
like a lesbian karaoke bar...
they have those?
Yes, lesbians love karaoke, are you kidding?
And she's also a producer at warners
and she makes a whole bunch of comedies,
so, you know, she thinks I'm kinda cute,
and she thinks I'm gay,
so I flirt with her,
so that she'll cast me in something.
Okay well, I have to say
it made me a little uncomfortable.
What are you even talking about?
I thought guys were supposed
to find that kind of thing "hot."
No, I mean, you know,
if you were big titted twins maybe.
You men, with your deep rooted fear of female sexuality.
Well it's more a disgust, really...
fear I have for other kinds of sexuality
being weirdly shoved in my face.
Hey man, maybe this's more your speed?
Wow, yeah that's much better.
Although I still can see your crudely wanton ankles.
Check these out, I'm wearing my push-up socks...
oh really?
Very sexual.
Whoa.
I'm sorry. That's okay.
No... nah, I don't care.
I'm doing it again, I'm sorry.
I mean, in the interest of full disclosure,
yeah.
I was also uncomfortable the other night
because I was really...
tempted?
Yeah.
So... um...
Henry, we also need red...
hi Lydia.
Red wine?
Yeah.
Okay yeah we have some here.
No problem okay thanks, I'll bring it out.
Sorry...
okay, all right?
Yeah, sure thing.
Okay, we have to stop this.
I know, I know, I know.
I mean, aside from the fact that it's wrong,
if anybody found out... I know!
It's a mess, a complete disaster, I get it.
I understand, okay. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Oh but I hear they're doing glengarry
which should be an absolute hoot.
Marguerite, I presume.
Why, yes...
looks like you need another drink.
White wine, right?
Well I already have this one.
Well it looks like you need another.
And the whole world is humanoid replicates,
except for one last guy...
one last man who has to blend in,
or else he'll too be sent to the processor farms...
this is so juicy...
a human being, forced to repress all that makes him human...
and that's his whole life.
Alone, hunted by machines...
creator being replaced by the creation...
where would you even begin to find a sense memory
to build a performance?
Would you be so kind to provide...
"Marguerite..."
with a white wine?
Wine! To wine!
To wine!
One of the earliest products
of human civilization...
there you go,
thank you good sir.
I like it. I know me too.
It's a great place, huh?
You know, I got my start here.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, it'd be a shame to see a place like this vanish.
What would it take for someone like you to write
a check to this little theater?
You really want me to tell you?
So bad.
It's complicated. Oh.
And naughty.
Then I guess you don't need to tell me.
Hey Henry, lemme ask you something.
Yeah?
What'd you think of Lydia?
I mean, as a woman.
You mean like, you and Lydia?
Yeah, we're both single, lonely people.
I mean she said I was a catch.
I caught her checking out my ass.
And you clearly have no problem
with workplace romance, so...
um...
You know, as team leader,
if you tell me about this,
I have to write a report, so, I can't listen...
copy that, copy that.
Casey, yeah.
Let me ask you something.
If you were me and you caught Lydia just,
like, feasting her eyes on your ass...
I left my comb backstage.
That's great.
This's like a dream I had...
oh which is another thing
that's so great about the theater,
because, like, you know here, dreams become...
Oooh! Oooh!
It is naughty.
And complicated.
Another day another dollar.
Hello, Lydia.
Hello, Ron.
Fresh tray, just for you.
Isn't that thoughtful of you.
Oh hey, have you seen Casey?
Uh, Casey left her comb backstage.
Okay, great. Why?
Oh just a little girl talk, you know.
Girls talking. Yeah.
Well, be seeing you.
Not if I see you first.
Pardon me?
Not if I see you first.
Uh, right.
Lydia.
Not if I see you first.
Casey, Casey?
Finally, you'll never believe...
no, beast!
Filthy, disgusting!
The author is drunk!
This is so interesting
'cause the first dramas were associated
with dionysian rituals
which involved alcohol and pan-sexual frenzy...
pan-sexual frenzy!
Pan-sexual frenzy!
Be careful, he's a total cougar...
what does that mean?
So I rush to the wings where Oliver here...
is fast asleep...
he's fast asleep,
of course, as usual.
But the show must go on.
So I think what I'll do is I'll shout "bang".
Well the cue for the gunshot comes...
Oliver falls off his stool,
the broom hits the floor.
Bang!
No one ever knew!
Oh god, my teeth hurt from grinning...
well, "the show must go on!"
Kyle, you dirty, devilish, useful boy.
50 dollars?
50 bucks?
Wait a minute, this check's from "Donna mullens?"
She's one of our actresses...
no, no, no, brown hair, red blouse?
Her name is Marguerite right?
No that's the character she plays.
Whom we named after the woman
we want to write us a check for ten grand.
God! Her!
Her?
No, that is not brown, that is light brown.
What? Casey, Casey.
What color's her hair right there?
Uh, hazelnut.
It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!
Look, look she's eye fucking your brains out as we speak.
Go, go, go on.
Daryl, you were absolutely delicious...
Casey, I've been dying to gossip.
Why?
So Henry's not so taken after all...
no, no you have the wrong idea...
first, I see him making out backstage
with the leading lady and then...
wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, which leading lady?
The pretty one in the veil thing.
My wife?
Fuck.
What just happened?
You were great in "misery".
White wine?
What say ye god of wine?
What say the lord of revels?
She shall receive...
Red wine!
There it is, ready!
I wanted white.
Red!
He speaks it so it shall be.
He says it shall be red...
red as the blood that is red.
You forgot your wine.
Hey, Henry?
What the fuck is that?
I have no idea...
okay listen, there's a problem.
Thanks to Lydia, the theater director guy,
he thinks that you were making out
with his wife backstage,
what? Yeah it's bad.
He's gonna like kill her,
or kill himself or I dunno.
Shit.
Okay, so see you later.
Marguerite, I presume?
Looks like you need another drink.
Vodka tonic?
This is soda water, actually...
oh. Soda water.
Effervescent...
hence the name, yes.
Because you need a little thrill...
because I need to drive home later.
Oh, so you drive stick or...
a prius...
for the environment.
Yeah totally doing what nature intended,
I love that.
Actually it's for the carpool Lane sticker.
I'm sorry, I find this baffling...
hello, Marguerite.
Have you seen where Nina went?
No, I haven't...
hey Mr. cork?
Hi, can we talk to you?
Yes Henry, right, right, yes.
You'd like to compare notes on kissing my wife,
no, actually, there's been a big misunderstanding...
oh what's to misunderstand?
You were backstage, making out with my wife...
okay, I was backstage,
but I wasn't with your wife, actually...
hi.
Magnificent party.
Right, Henry?
Okay, can we talk to you in private please?
I don't get it, you know?
I tried everything.
You know, the looks, the double entendres.
And nothing...
well, some women like the direct approach, you know?
Just step up, look 'em in the eye,
and make your move.
Yeah, seems a little crude...
some women like it.
All right.
Right?
Sure.
There's all kinds of women.
And all kinds of men.
Oh boy, you can say that again.
Hi.
Ahhh!
Lydia, stop it!
Ron, what are you doing?
What do you mean what am I doing?
You called me an achiever,
you said you wanted somebody to "step up and make a move,"
you checked out my ass...
there was frosting on your pants...
it's gone.
Oh god! Oh god,
oh, I'm so sorry...
just a misunderstanding.
It was a total misunderstanding.
Yeah, oh god.
It's kinda funny I guess.
It is funny.
I feel bad.
Let's keep this our little secret?
Yeah let's not let anybody in on this one...
it'll be our little secret.
Really good idea.
Have you guys seen the bottle opener?
Uh...
we were just...
talking.
Thank you.
You know it says,
"do not rub or apply savs"
so don't do that.
I don't know what a sav is.
Yes, Lydia did see me backstage
kissing someone in the costume...
and the point of dragging me back here
for this roundabout exposition-
we're trying to keep a secret...
yeah and if you consider the spirit
of the play you're doing,
I think you'll find it very much
in the spirit of...
okay I was kissing someone in the veil
but it wasn't your wife, you see, it was...
another actress.
Hey. Hi!
Nina. Oh hi Leland...
hi, looking for someone else to make out with?
No, no, no, see it wasn't her...
sorry.
Bathroom backed up again...
you see, that's what's funny,
she didn't make out with anyone back-stage,
the woman in the veil was...
it was some straight actress,
whose face is probably all scuffed up
from the stubble...
at least deny that you were backstage making out
with some random person.
Marguerite is not a random person...
wait, what?
Her?
We hang out all the time, it's so obvious.
How could you not know?
I thought you were getting her to write a check...
at ladies karaoke night?
Oh I'm sorry, since when did ladies karaoke night
become lesbian scissoring night?
Jesus, Nina...
like you haven't been having your own affair.
All those late nights at the theater...
yes, trying to keep us afloat...
she's obviously in love with you...
Mona?
That's preposterous!
Well that's a shame,
because I'm moving in with Marguerite...
you'd leave me for the woman
who has doomed lyre of orpheus?
This theater is your life!
Your life, Leland.
Open your eyes...
here you are beautiful.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
♪
Marguerite?
She's gay?
I know.
It's like, all these little misunderstandings
adding up to this tragic ending...
toilet's fixed, Mr. cork.
It doesn't matter now.
We're broke.
The theater is done for.
The theater?
It can't...
how much do you need?
Mona, you're a legal secretary.
We need 10,000 dollars...
I have eleven...
ho, ho, ho, somebody had a wild night.
I thought we weren't going to say anything...
no.
Nothing happened with us in the kitchen.
I was talking about Henry.
Backstage.
Backstage?
What, Henry!
I thought we weren't going to say anything.
I...
wait.
But i... i...
how did... I didn't...
I thought... you...
he... he said...
you? You?
The theater is saved!
Lyre of orpheus lives!
The show will go on!
Magnicifent!
♪
♪♪
tree!